


my only heart

by smithens



Series: this sudden burst of sunlight [4]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Bittersweet, Epistolary, Erotica, M/M, Silly, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:54:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29451141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smithens/pseuds/smithens
Summary: I am writing to you because it has been too long since we last met, and so I would like to remind you of how much I have missed hearing you whisper in my ear and feeling your hands on my body…
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Series: this sudden burst of sunlight [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949431
Comments: 11
Kudos: 34





	my only heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this (checks calendar) nine months ago? it was originally going to be part of something else but I don't want valentine's day to be over without me publishing anything.
> 
> the first part is in [strange how I fit into you (there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23708473)

**Letter, from Downton, to London**

Feb 14, 1928

...how much I have missed having you in my bed. You were only in it for one night but what a night it was, hey? Truthfully I don't know if there's been a day I haven't thought of you since last July. 

I do think of you. I think of you nightly and sometimes in the morning, too, when I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up and I'm already touching myself; that's what you've done to me. There I am, lying in bed in the dark, wishing I could throw my alarm clock at the wall or out the window, and then when I go to turn it off I realise I've got my hand between my legs.

That isn't very romantic, is it? Sorry, I haven't got the hang of this yet. I know it's been months and I should have by now but I simply haven't. Let me try again. You're a saint for putting up with me and I hope you know it because I can't always understand why you do. (And don't you scold me for saying so, I've heard it already. Save the ink for something more novel, please.)

This morning in particular, I woke up thinking of you. Was I dreaming of you, or did you just happen to cross my mind first thing as I opened my eyes, before anything or anybody else could? I couldn't say. It doesn't matter, though, does it? Not when either way means you're on my mind. Not when either way I miss you more than I can bear. At six o'clock today it was dark and raining but I still thought of waking up beside you last summer with the room full of light, and of how we spent our time before going down to breakfast. Do you remember? I'll be sorry if you don't, but maybe reading this will spark your memory? I hope it does. It simply wouldn't be fair if I spent so much of my time thinking about that morning and you didn't.

But life isn't fair. We know that better than anybody, you and I.

It isn't fair that I am far from you and that you are far from me. It isn't fair that I've got to get a train if I want to see you (or the other way round). It isn't fair that I am up here with my prick in my hand wishing it was yours, that you were touching me or that I was touching you or both, but knowing I won't get to have that any time soon, and knowing that I will have to wait and wait for you to go to bed with me again with no end in sight. How long do I have to go without you before we can be together again the way I need? How long until we can be alone again, you and I? Much too long for my taste. Maybe if we were always in the same place and I could have you every night I wouldn't wake up yearning the way I do. 

If I did, though... if I had you beside me and yet still I woke up aching for you the way I am now when I haven't been touched just how I like for months. Would you take care of it? Would you take care of me? It would be cruel of you not to, but to be honest with you I can't see how you'd be able to resist me. Not when I'll want you so badly. Surely you wouldn't say no if I asked you nicely. If I begged. What would I beg for, you ask? I'd accept anything from you in that state, I'll be achingly hard and desperate for you to put me out of my misery, but if you were to indulge me you'd give me your hands first. You have very nice, skilled hands and so often I think of you stroking me off or fingering me open or both (you do have two of them) so that is what I should like I think. Just your hands, and for you to use me as you'd like. It sounds very simple when I put it like that doesn't it? I'm very easy to please. 

Eager to please, too. I'll be very good for you, just as we'd both like me to be. You'll not be able to refuse me anything because I will make it very difficult for you, and besides you've been very bad at that in the past. Although you have been very good at other things, haven't you? Don't you think for a moment that I don't remember, or that I am not remembering all you can do. You won't get off so easily as that. 

Really the thing I want most is to give myself over to you like I have done already. Only I should like to do it again and again, night after night, without anything holding us back, no place needing us by morning and nothing to worry about at all. No back alleys. Just you and I, and I will be able to hear the sounds that you make when I am the only one listening instead of imagining them and pretending what they would be like; I will learn how you really feel about me and you how I feel about you, because it hasn't been enough, has it? You don't know me as deeply as I want for you to, but you would with time, if we were given the chance. 

That's what I dream of, and what is on my mind and in my heart. Being yours again. Pleasuring you, and being pleasured.

Are you convinced now, that I think of you? Because I do. I think of you very fondly, and I know in my heart that each night you are thinking of me, too. You've said as much, haven't you?

Your Valentine.

X


End file.
